Finding Nemo

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Wisdom of Indian Television

I have learned much wisdom from watching Indian television.

1) When someone speaks, first they must have an extreme close-up.  For several seconds.  Until it becomes uncomfortable to watch.  Only then can a person speak.

2) If someone wants to respond to said speaker, they must also have an extreme close-up for at least 5 seconds.  Sometimes, its good to follow the extreme close-up with an even more exreme zoom until you can see nothing but the person's eyes.  Its best to stay at this zoom for another 5 seconds.

3) When someone gets killed by sword, they must do a back-flip and then land on their hands.  Blood must cover their entire face even if they got stabbed in the foot.  Its best to repeat the footage after 5 or so sword deaths in order to make it look like you filmed many people dying.  Each time another person dies the same intense violin music must be played very loudly.

4) In order to make bad footage more dramatic, one should add random slow-motion.  The slow-motion is best when it comes at unexpected moments, such as when one is reading a book or sleeping.

5) Anytime someone runs it must be preceded by an extreme close-up, and the running must be done in extra-slow motion.  If someone can run more than 10 feet per minute, that is too fast.

6) Dancing on Indian TV is special.  The lead dancer must wear an outfit approved by Michael Jackson or Flock of Seagulls.

7) When dancing, you must have at least 80 back-up dancers to distract from the fact you can't really dance.

8) To prove your skill, its best to run around a lot and wave your arms.  Waggle your head, and then jump up and down.  Repeat.

9) After performing the above routine a few times, thrust your crotch to be funny and look surprised during the extreme close-up.

10) And finally, most importantly of all, over-act.  If this is difficult, try opening your eyes wide and looking very very intense at all times.

1 comment:

  1. Dude, you are wrong. Indian dancing is sweet! Bollywood's strong suit for sure.