Finding Nemo

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Tibetan Terror Machine

I learned some new driving moves in Tibet.

1) Local Yokel

Locals, busy yokeling
For this move, its best to wait until a poor farmer is driving his Chinese tractor to the field towards you.  Swerve into his lane, flash your headlights a few times, and then lay on the horn as you pretend you are going to smash right into him.  Then swerve as hard as possible at the last possible moment, in order to slam all the yak-smelling tourists in the back seat into a sweaty pile-up.  As you pass within an inch, stare at the farmer, because he shouldn't be on the road with your Expensive Land Cruiser after all, and laugh if he looks like he shat himself, went deaf, and/or is choking on your cloud of dust.

2) Blind Pass-A-Rooski

I have to say, I seen this move plenty of times throughout Asia so I wasn't all that impressed.  But basically, what you do is drive behind a slow moving big rig inching up a mountain.  When a blind curve appears, and only then, swerve into the opposite lane to pass.  Downshift and floor it, and grunt with pleasure as the LandCruiser barely starts going faster than the big rig.  Since your Expensive LandCruiser is Awesome, the decent possibility that someone will tear around the corner and plow right into you only makes you chuckle in amusement.  Smile broadly as the seconds pass and feel the adrenalin rush.  Even if you have cleared the big rig, its best to savor the moment and not go back into your lane until after you have finished the blind curve.  After completing the maneuver, look in the mirror and laugh at the terror sweat on the silly tourists.


3) Double pass-a-rooski

I can't say the Double Pass-A-Rooski is a new move because I did see it once on Java in Indo, but its still pretty badass.  Here's how to pull it off.  First, you have to be 2 cars deep behind a slow big rig, but its even more fun if you are 5 or 6 cars deep.  As the cars in front of you slowly pass the big rig, act really pissed off and irritated.  Turn up your Tibetan disco and chug a bit of Red Bull.  Then, to really get you in the mood, lay on your horn like its stuck on.  Next, suddenly swerve off the the road onto the shoulder.  Its more enjoyable if the shoulder drops precipitously off a thousand foot cliff.  As the LandCruiser tilts at 45 degrees and debates whether it wants to stay upright, gun it.  The high point is when, as you are passing, you stare intensely at the slow big rig driver, who really shouldn't be on the same road with you anyway, and look all the way over to the slower saps passing on the other side.  Then, honk and swerve hard back into the lane in order to force whoever else was passing to slam on their brakes and swerve to avoid your badass moves.

3) The Legendary "Triple pass-a-rooski"

This is a Tibet-only move as far as I know.  I've never seen it before, and in fact, I wouldn't have believed it was possible if I hadn't seen it with my own terror-stricken eyes.    Here's how it works.  Repeat the above scenario, except this time, you wait until someone else is already pulling the Double-pass-a-rooski.  Then, lay on the horn like your life depends on it and gun it into the left lane.  As you come up to the idiot passing in front of you, ride his ass and keep laying on the horn.  When he sees your insane bloodshot Red Bull- and chicken foot-fueled eyes, he will be forced to swerve onto the shoulder on the far side of the road.  Because otherwise you would definitely run his stupid ass over.  Linger for a moment, as you are 4 abreast, and giggle at the poor bus driver coming the opposite way and the fact he is probably wetting himself.  You are such a badass right now its not even funny.  And the best part is a moment later, when the moron you forced into the far ditch swerves wildly to avoid the bus coming straight at him.  Chuckle like a madman, turn up the Tibetan disco very loud and chug more Red Bull to celebrate.

4) Cliff-Jumping

Chamba, aka "Hell-on-wheels", chomping on some chicken feet
This is actually a pretty cool move I wouldn't mind trying back home.  When another lame-o LandCruiser passes you because you have been driving like a blind 3-year old while you text one of your girlfriends, yell goodbye and slam down the gaudy neon orange phone.  Noone passes you, don't they know you are Captain Chaos?!!  Speed up and try to catch the offender.  When that doesn't work, wait until you have to do 30 switchbacks down the face of a mountain.  Without telling anyone, swerve off the road and start barreling straight down the cliff itself.  Speed up when a huge boulder appears.  Ramp off the top and nod knowingly as the tourists slam their heads into the roof and get knocked unconsiousness.  You know its really best for everyone if they aren't awake for what's next.  When you approach a riverbed, laugh hysterically as you gun it down and back up the other side and the LandCruiser makes a horrible scraping sound as the tranmission gets clawed by a boulder.  When the tourists wake up, you should be comfortably back on the road, chowing on a fresh chicken foot, and way ahead of the kook who tried to school you before.

No one passes the great Chamba.  No one

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